What to Do When Your Child Is the Bully: A Parent’s Action Plan

Receiving a call from school or discovering that your child has been bullying others can be devastating. The shock, shame, and confusion are natural reactions. But this difficult moment is also an opportunity—a chance to address concerning behavior, teach crucial life lessons, and help your child develop into a compassionate person.

This isn’t about being a “bad parent.” Children bully for complex reasons, and with the right intervention, they can learn, grow, and change. Here’s your comprehensive action plan.

Understanding Why Children Bully

Before reacting, it’s crucial to understand the underlying causes. Children rarely bully simply because they’re “mean.” Common reasons include:

Emotional and Psychological Factors

• Lack of empathy: Difficulty understanding others’ feelings
• Poor emotional regulation: Using aggression when upset or frustrated
• Low self-esteem: Putting others down to feel better about themselves
• Need for control: Compensating for feeling powerless in other areas
• Attention-seeking: Negative attention feels better than no attention

Environmental Influences

• Modeling behavior: Witnessing aggression at home, in media, or elsewhere
• Social pressure: Going along with peer groups
• Social rewards: Gaining status or popularity through bullying
• Lack of consequences: No accountability for aggressive behavior
• Academic struggles: Acting out due to frustration or embarrassment

Trauma and Stress

• Being bullied themselves: Displaced aggression
• Family stress: Divorce, financial problems, loss
• Abuse or neglect: Repeating patterns they’ve experienced
• Mental health issues: Undiagnosed anxiety, ADHD, or conduct disorders

Understanding the “why” doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it helps you address the root cause effectively.

Initial Response: Stay Calm and Investigate

1. Manage Your Emotions First

Your initial reaction sets the tone for everything that follows:

Do:

• Take deep breaths before responding
• Thank whoever brought it to your attention
• Tell your child you need time to process before discussing
• Remember that this behavior can change

Don’t:

• Immediately defend your child (“Not my kid!”)
• Dismiss the report without investigation
• Explode in anger or shame your child publicly
• Make excuses for the behavior

2. Gather Complete Information

Before talking to your child, get the full picture:

Questions to Ask School Staff:

• What exactly happened? (Get specific details)
• How many incidents have occurred?
• Who witnessed it?
• What was the context?
• How did the other child respond?
• What has already been done?
• Is this part of a pattern?

Review Multiple Perspectives:

• School reports and documentation
• Other witnesses (teachers, bus drivers, other parents)
• Security footage if available
• Digital evidence if cyberbullying is involved

3. Have an Initial Conversation with Your Child

Choose a private, calm moment:

Opening: “I received some concerning information from school today. I heard that [specific behavior]. I want to hear your side of what happened.”

Listen carefully for:

• Their version of events
• How they describe their own actions
• Whether they show awareness of impact
• Signs of remorse or defensiveness
• Other relevant context

Avoid:

• Leading questions that suggest the answer
• Immediately accusing or judging
• Dismissing their perspective entirely
• Making it easy for them to lie

Addressing the Behavior: A Step-by-Step Approach

Step 1: Name the Behavior Clearly

Be specific about what’s unacceptable:

Effective: “When you called Sophie names and told others not to play with her, that was bullying. Bullying is when we hurt others on purpose, especially when we keep doing it.”

Ineffective: “You were being mean” or “You need to be nicer.”

Step 2: Establish That It’s Serious

Children need to understand the gravity:

• “This behavior is not okay in our family.”
• “What you did hurt another person, and that matters.”
• “This goes against our family values of kindness and respect.”
• “There will be consequences, and we need to make this right.”

Step 3: Explore the Underlying Cause

Ask questions to understand motivation:

• “What was happening before this started?”
• “How were you feeling when you did this?”
• “What were you hoping would happen?”
• “Has someone treated you this way before?”
• “Are you dealing with something that’s making you angry or upset?”

Step 4: Teach Empathy

Help them understand impact:

Perspective-Taking:

• “How do you think [victim’s name] felt when that happened?”
• “Remember when you were left out at your old school? How did that feel?”
• “What if someone did this to your younger sibling?”

Make It Real:

• Discuss consequences the other child may face (anxiety, not wanting to go to school)
• If age-appropriate, have them read about bullying’s long-term effects
• Share stories like “Outnumbered” that show the victim’s perspective

Step 5: Require Accountability

Genuine accountability includes:

Sincere Apology:

• Not just “I’m sorry” but “I’m sorry for [specific action] because it [impact]”
• Face-to-face if appropriate and safe for the victim
• Written if in-person isn’t suitable
• No expectation of forgiveness—the other child doesn’t owe them anything

Making Amends:

• What can they do to repair the harm?
• This might include staying away from the other child
• Positive actions in the community
• Standing up against bullying when they see it

Step 6: Implement Appropriate Consequences

Consequences should be:

Logical and Related:

• If cyberbullying: Loss of device privileges
• If exclusion behavior: Limited social activities
• If during sports: Sitting out games
• If general: Loss of privileges until trust is rebuilt

Teaching-Focused: The goal is learning, not punishment:

• Require reading about empathy and bullying
• Volunteering to help younger children
• Writing reflections on their behavior
• Participating in conflict resolution or counseling

Consistent:

• Follow through completely
• Don’t reduce consequences due to pleading
• Ensure both parents/guardians are aligned
• Make consequences time-limited with clear criteria for ending them

Step 7: Develop a Prevention Plan

Work together on strategies to prevent recurrence:

Identify Triggers: “What situations make it more likely you’ll act this way?”

Create Alternative Responses:

• When frustrated → Take deep breaths, talk to an adult
• When wanting attention → Join a club, participate positively
• When feeling powerless → Express feelings with words
• When peer pressure happens → Walk away, choose different friends

Check-In System:

• Daily conversations about school
• Weekly meetings to discuss progress
• Regular check-ins with school counselor
• Journaling about emotions and choices

Working with the School

Be a Partner, Not an Adversary

Cooperative Approach:

• “We take this seriously and want to work together.”
• “What can we do at home to support the plan at school?”
• “Please keep us informed of any incidents.”
• “We’re implementing consequences at home as well.”

Request Support Services

Ask about:

• School counselor sessions
• Social skills groups
• Conflict resolution programs
• Behavioral plans or contracts
• Regular progress reports

Follow Up Consistently

• Attend all scheduled meetings
• Respond promptly to school communications
• Ask specific questions: “Has there been any improvement?”
• Share what you’re observing at home

Long-Term Strategies for Change

1. Examine Your Home Environment

Honest self-assessment:

Family Dynamics:

• How do family members treat each other?
• How is conflict resolved at home?
• Are there aggressive models in the household?
• How do parents speak about others?

Media Consumption:

• What shows, games, and content is your child accessing?
• Are they consuming media that glorifies aggression?
• Is violence portrayed as acceptable or funny?

Stress Factors:

• What pressures is your child under?
• Are there family situations creating instability?
• Does your child have healthy outlets for emotions?

2. Build Empathy Skills

Daily Practices:

• Discuss characters’ feelings in books and movies
• Volunteer together at shelters or community organizations
• Care for pets (responsibility for another being’s wellbeing)
• Practice “perspective-taking” during everyday situations
• Model empathetic responses yourself

Structured Activities:

• Enroll in theater or drama (role-playing different perspectives)
• Team sports with good coaching (cooperation and respect)
• Mentoring younger children
• Empathy-building games and activities

3. Strengthen Your Connection

Often, behavior problems signal disconnection:

Quality Time:

• Regular one-on-one time with each parent
• Activities they enjoy
• Conversations about their interests, not just problems
• Family rituals and traditions

Positive Reinforcement:

• Catch them being kind
• Acknowledge improvement, even small steps
• Celebrate prosocial behavior
• Express love and confidence in their ability to change

4. Teach Emotional Intelligence

Help them identify and manage emotions:

Emotion Vocabulary: Expand beyond “mad,” “sad,” “happy”:

• Frustrated, disappointed, jealous, anxious, overwhelmed
• “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated, not angry.”

Coping Strategies:

• Deep breathing techniques
• Physical exercise for releasing tension
• Art or music for expression
• Talking through feelings before acting

Problem-Solving Skills:

• “What are three ways you could handle this differently?”
• Walk through scenarios and consequences
• Practice in calm moments, not during crises

5. Monitor and Supervise

Appropriate oversight isn’t helicopter parenting:

Know Their World:

• Who are their friends? Meet them.
• What are they doing online? Check regularly.
• Where do they go after school?
• What’s happening in their social circles?

Digital Monitoring:

• Random device checks
• Parental controls and monitoring software
• Social media access as a privilege, not a right
• Computers in common areas

When to Seek Professional Help

Consider therapy or counseling if:

• Bullying behavior continues despite interventions
• Your child shows no remorse or empathy
• Behavior is escalating or becoming violent
• Other concerning behaviors emerge (cruelty to animals, fire-setting)
• Family dynamics are contributing and need outside support
• Your child has experienced trauma
• Mental health issues may be present

Types of Professionals:

• Child psychologists specializing in behavioral issues
• Family therapists
• School counselors with behavioral expertise
• Psychiatrists if medication might help underlying conditions

Addressing Common Parental Concerns

”My child says they were just joking”

Response: “Intent doesn’t erase impact. Even if you meant it as a joke, it hurt someone. That matters, and you’re responsible for how your actions affect others. We need to be aware of how our words and actions impact people."

"The other kid is just too sensitive”

Response: “People have different sensitivities, and we need to respect that. Part of being kind is adjusting our behavior when we learn it’s hurting someone, regardless of whether we think they ‘should’ be hurt."

"Everyone does it”

Response: “Just because something is common doesn’t make it right. In our family, we hold ourselves to a higher standard. You’re capable of being a leader who stands up for others, not someone who follows bad examples."

"I’m worried about my child being labeled a bully”

Address it directly: “Right now, you engaged in bullying behavior. That doesn’t define who you are forever. People can change, and I believe you will. But change requires acknowledging what happened and working to do better.”

FAQ: When Your Child Is the Bully

Q: Should I punish my child for bullying? A: Consequences are important, but focus on teaching rather than pure punishment. The goal is behavior change and understanding, not just making them suffer.

Q: How long should consequences last? A: Typically 1-4 weeks, depending on severity and age. Tie removal of consequences to demonstrated behavior change and understanding.

Q: What if my child was bullied first and is now bullying others? A: This requires addressing both issues. Help them heal from their own bullying experience while holding them accountable for their actions toward others.

Q: Should I tell other parents? A: If required by the school or if you think it would be constructive, yes. But coordinate with the school first to ensure it doesn’t make things worse.

Q: What if I suspect my child is lying about what happened? A: Base your response on the most reliable information available (multiple witnesses, school reports). Tell them: “Right now, I’m going by what the school has documented. If there’s more to the story, being honest now will help.”

Q: How do I handle my own feelings of shame? A: Your feelings are valid, but separate them from your response. Consider talking to a therapist, trusted friend, or parenting group. Remember: you didn’t fail—you’re actively addressing a problem.

Moving Forward: From Bully to Upstander

The ultimate goal is transformation: helping your child become someone who stands up against bullying rather than perpetuating it.

Share Positive Examples: Like the story in “Outnumbered,” where classmates who could have been bystanders instead became upstanders who protected Jack. Your child can be that person.

Create Opportunities:

• “I heard there’s a new kid in your class. Could you make sure they feel included?”
• “If you see someone sitting alone at lunch, would you consider inviting them over?”
• “Tell me about a time you stood up for someone or helped someone feel included.”

Acknowledge Progress: “I’m really proud of how you handled that situation differently today. That took courage.”

Conclusion: This Can Be a Turning Point

Discovering your child has bullied someone is painful, but it doesn’t determine their future. With consistent, thoughtful intervention, this can be the moment that transforms them into a more empathetic, self-aware, and kind person.

Your child is learning crucial lessons:

• Actions have consequences
• How to take responsibility
• The importance of empathy
• How to make amends
• That people can change and grow

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Resources, professionals, and communities exist to support both you and your child. Take it one day at a time, stay consistent, and believe in your child’s capacity for change.

The story doesn’t end with “My child is a bully.” It continues with “My child learned, grew, and became someone who stands up for others.” You can help write that next chapter together.

Looking to teach your child about the impact of bullying and the power of standing together? Read “Outnumbered” together—a story that shows both sides and the importance of choosing kindness.